A Tension that Exists in Youth Ministry

I am called to ministry, to serve God and others in the name of Jesus. Currently (and for the past 11+ years), the “venue” has been youth ministry. Looking back, I can certainly see the growth that has occurred in my own life and in the “way” I participated in ministry, etc. At first I was just happy that God called at all, but didn’t do much. My Young Life years (to me) were a joke (1995-1997). YL’s mantra is essentially, “Do all you can to get into the world of teenagers”, by going to as many games, events, lunches, slurpee runs, etc., as possible. Well, as a college student who quite enjoyed lots of “down time hanging with my buds”, I struggled with that. Oh sure, I tried some, but I never felt I lived up to the “superhero” standard that so many YL leaders seemed to have for themselves (and as a result, others in the YL ministry). I was called on the carpet a few times, actually, for how I wasn’t doing enough. The thing is that while many teens were reached, what I witnessed in the life of the leaders themselves was usually the fact that their own families (if married) got put on the “back burner”, and I know of several divorces (or at least, “strained family relationships”) due to this style of ministry. Or, the older, single leaders stayed, well, single, because they just couldn’t settle down. Now, there is nothing wrong with being single, and I do know many YL families that “work” because all members are on board with this lifestyle. But for me…nope… One thing that YL does well in though, as a result of this style, is that they LIVE alongside the teens they serve. They are almost fully in their world.

Since then, I have moved, gotten married, had a kid, struggled, found success, found hardship, found passion, grown, fallen-back, you name it. It has been a roller coaster, but I can say that overall I feel that I have continued to learn and grow in ministry (and in life). One main way I have grown is that my focus seems to be shifting from the, “Be the teen’s buddy at all costs so they think you are cool and ‘trust’ you”, to more of a focus on the “whole family”, especially partnering with parents as they seek to be the spiritual leaders their kids so desperately need. And it may seem cliché, but a lot of this growth in my is due to that fact that I am a father now. Simply put, having kids changes everything in one’s perspective, and I can honestly say that even as a married, but childless, man I did not understand why ministering to parents, too, was vital. Not anymore…(blame Jackson, my 2 ½ year-old, haha).

But there is still a great tension when doing ministry, including youth ministry. The tension is this: Do I do anything, at all costs, to get kids to “like me” so they trust me, feel comfortable around me, able to open up, and enjoy my presence? Or…do I almost become a “parent-spy” in the world of teens (which I sense some parents want me to be), getting into their world, confronting them, letting parents in on all the scary things going on, etc. I obviously think those examples are the "extremes" here, and that there is a balance I should seek as a goal…but it is a hard tension to deal with, as whenever one starts getting parents more in the picture, the teens tend to lose trust, feel betrayed (“dude, why did you have to tell my parents??!!!”). Yet, when I am too much of a “buddy”, the kids don’t seem to see me as a true authority figure, and think they can just do/say whatever around me. While I do like that they think they can be “themselves” around me, sometimes who they are simply isn’t what they need to be all the time…and when I call them on it, I wonder if they “hear” it when I am the “buddy”. Also, I know that parents, while glad their kids like their youth minister, get frustrated with me only being the “buddy” to their children. Some parents truly are living the biblical command to be the primary spiritual teachers to their kids (BRAVO!), others are trying but aren’t’ really sure how to do it (so I hope to help and encourage them where I can), some have “given up” trying (or so it seems), and others seem to think that since I am “paid” to do this, that all they have to do as spiritual leaders to their family is drop them off at youth events, preferably fun ones, that get their kids out of their hair. So, you hopefully can see the tension here.

Lately this tension has been more at the forefront. It just seems that I am increasingly becoming more of an authoritative leader to the youth, and I have had to call lots of them out on their behavior, attitudes, etc. While many kids respond positively (because there is trust), I can’t help but have fear that, “One of these days, they will start seeing me as just a step-below ‘parent’ and thus shut me out, too”. In some cases, that may have already happened. I am seeking the balance, but as I said earlier, I am increasingly seeing my ministry calling as being more than just “youth”. I am called to serve the family in general right now, so I must walk in the midst of all this tension. I am definitely praying for much wisdom on this, as I know I will mess up some, and sometimes do the “right thing”, but cause some relational strain in the process. But I can’t sit back any longer. I love the people (kids and parents alike) simply too much to do or say nothing. And I feel that that is my role/job/responsibility as one in the position I am in. I am a minister. Yeah, in the denomination I currently serve, I am not a “real” minister (haven’t sold my soul to the denomination just to get “credentialed”, hehe), but that is what I am nonetheless. And I would hope that all those I walk in faith alongside would expect nothing less…