2008: Realizations

These are just some things that come to mind when I ponder the year that is almost past...

I realized more this year than most, I think, that while God can certainly use me, my words, actions, etc., that ultimately I myself cannot change others, make something happen the way "I" want it to, etc. The key words in there being "I", "me", "myself"... It seems like when I've had strong goals and purposes to something or for someone...well, it tends to not turn out like I expect/hope, even if there are some good reasons for those hopes, goals, and purposes. Instead, I've realized more this year than most (or, it at least seems so right now) that when I can look back and see where God has been visibly at work in others through something that involved me in some way (whether it was my idea or even just "me being me"), it was not planned. In some ways, the "thing" that happened didn't even necessarily occur in 2008, it was just realized or expressed to me in 2008. So, while I might have planned certain events at church with high hopes, or had planned conversations (with planned results of change in the other person), or taught lessons that I thought would rock the youth group to it's core...well, often none of that happened. Oh sure, I bet God still did things through it all...but I just didn't always see it using "my criteria". But oh, the cool things I DID see that were unplanned...the kids that were effected by something that weren't the ones I thought would be so moved...the ways things often just "lined up well" when I was getting discouraged and impatient (and why do we seem to conveniently forget those times??? They ALWAYS happen...)...the random conversations and meetings that resulted in some really cool stuff...etc...

I realized this year more than before that being a father is bringing me closer to God. Old stories from scripture that involve fathers (Abraham and Issac...Prodigal Son...etc.) have really hit me like never before and not only show me my love for Jackson, but also God's love for me. And while I certainly think people can be single or child-less and still be as "whole" as anyone else...some experiences in life (like being called "Daddy") can just change everything and shake your faith at the foundations, making it even deeper...if you let it...

I also realized more than ever this year how my love for my wife, Missy, needs to reflect Jesus' love for us, his church. I've had realizations of that in past years, sure, but this year for some reason I really started taking it more to heart, choosing to love her more deeply, and asking God to humble me so I could better love and serve her like Jesus does us... So, what has that meant to me? Well, it means sacrifice, first and foremost. Jesus sacrificed for me. I need to sacrifice "my wants" for Missy. It also means serving her and making choices that are meant to bless her, help her grow, etc., even if they may not make "sense" to everyone. And it means that even if I don't get something back in return, I still do these things. I mean, sure, it would be great if every time I served or sacrificed for Missy's sake, that I got all kinds of attention, return sacrifice, etc., and usually she does, but my attitude and action need not depend on what she does or doesn't do. That's the biggie. My wife sometimes has struggles health-wise for example, or handles things differently than I due to our personality make-up and upbringing, and sometimes I know that results in lack-of-understanding form others...but I will serve and sacrifice for her nonetheless. Or, at least that's the hope and prayer, as I'm certainly NOT perfect in it. Why be that way? Ask yourself: how many times am I selfish, want "my" way, feel entitled to stuff, or just flat out SIN...and Jesus is still there? Answer: ALWAYS. No matter what. I need the same attitude, and in 2008, for some reason, I've felt compelled to be more proactive about it...

I realized that pizza is still good. After 34 years, nothing has changed there :-)

I also realized (to stay on food) that one's "taste" actually does change with age. Or maybe it's just me realizing the need to try and eat somewhat healthier...or just broaden horizons...haha. Whatever. All I know is that if you would have told me 10 years ago that I would not only choose to eat, but ENJOY things like spinach, green beans, peas, and even normal faves of mine that just have more of a "veggie" presence (like soups, for example...I actually am known to eat a minestrone soup and EAT IT ALL...that was unheard of...), I would have called you out as a big fat liar...

I realized that another example that I am getting old is that I have quit listening (at least as much as I used to) "new music", or specifically, music from newer artists. Oh sure, I'll gobble up the newest Coldplay or grab the new Robert Plant/Allison Krauss or look expectantly to the new U2 cd coming out in March 2009 (woohoo!), but those are just older artists' "new work". I am officially THAT GUY who tries desperately to listen to the radio occasionally (usually the "modern rock station") hoping to find something of worth...and come away sighing, "Oh wow, all of this STINKS." You know, teens will proclaim how "Band X is the best, most talented, EVER!!!!!", and when I listen, I'm like, "You must be joking...all they do is sound like 593 other bands out there, trying to sound moody, or edgy, or shocking, etc..." Sad thing is that I was just like them...haha. I am getting old...

I realized that there are few things in life that can give me joy like watching my son have the time of his life. I mean, seriously, I could just be sitting in a chair observing, and if Jax is having a ball, so am I. The example from 2008 was Sea World in August. That may have been the most fun he's ever had (well, our few "snow days" have been up there too...). I always look back at pics from that time, or remember what we did and saw, and just smile...