Several months ago, I had one of those "give up and just ask for it" moments with God. It involved my own personal passion and desire to seek Him through the scriptures. I have had various "flirtations" I suppose you could say to really studying the Bible, and I've been in various Bible studies over the years, but if I'm honest, most attempts were more because it was something I "should" do as a Christian. And at my most "meh" moments, the reading of scripture by my own eyes became something I did more for the benefit of others (aka, preparation for a lesson or message...), and while I did pay attention in those times...it still was just "scripture study because I have to". No bueno...
Well, I got fed up with my lack-of "want to" when it came to personal study of God's Word. I got fed up being a follower of Jesus who still couldn't list "reading the Bible" honestly as many of my peers could when asked about one of their most cherished activities. It wasn't as much a jealousy thing as an honest "wish" that I had such a passion for the Bible. I mean, I can read almanacs all day, look at atlases, and COMPLETELY devour the info at a disturbing rate (just ask my friends who try to play me at Trivial Pursuit haha :-) ), why can't I seem to "want to" do that with the Holy Scriptures that are supposed to guide my entire being?????? Well, I finally gave that frustration up to God, and a funny (but should NEVER have been surprising) thing happened...
...I actually started WANTING to read the Bible. To really study and engage with it, not just to "check off that I read my Bible today". And you know what else? It has affected me! I'm not perfect AT ALL because of it...but there are so many ways that my eyes have been opened...to the darkness of my heart at times...to how I am to love my wife like Jesus loves his bride, the Church...to how EVERYTHING I DO is to be an act of worship to the Most High God (singing, this blog, playing with Jax, how I minister to my wife, patience in lines, what I say about others...you name it...), etc. Just so much stuff. Oh sure, I knew so many of those "concepts" before through sermons, conversations, or other times of Bible study...but for some reason, it's just sticking more. Motivating me more. And also, when I don't have my "time" in the morning...I miss it. Terribly. I can assure you THAT emotion never existed before. It was more like, "Oh well, I didn't read my Bible today...I'll just pick up later," and usually, I never did...
Of course, this love and motivation to devour scripture has resulted in an, "I took the red pill" (think The Matrix) kind of thing happening to me. My heart aches more for those that don't know Jesus. A boldness is coming out of me more-and-more. Sometimes it doesn't get the reaction in others I'm hoping for...but I soldier on seeking a merciful heart in all of it (because if I'm not careful, I can become "That Christian" who is just wanting folks to know God like I do, DANG IT! ...but gets bitter and frustrated when they don't...instead of just loving them and continuing to live my faith as an example...).
So thanks God for finally breaking through my walls and planting a desire for your Word!!!!!! Forgive me for just giving it little bits and pieces of my attention over the years...
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