(forgive the stream-of-conscienceness style of what follows...)
Man, I don't do well with "growing up" sometimes. Honestly, and I have told a few people this humbling theory I have about me, I truly think I am 5-8 years behind where I should be developmentally. Not sure what exactly is to blame, either. Is it because I stayed (essentially) a full-time student until I was 26, and thus wasn't truly "on my own" until after I graduated from seminary? That's a strong possibilty. I see many of my friends who were forced into the "real world" right after college at age 22-23, with houses, wives, etc., and thus seemed to grow up faster. I mean, I certainly have grown up. I can look back even 4 or 5 years and list all kinds of growth, increased maturity, etc., and much of that is due to sharing life with someone (and all the ups-and-downs), being a father, owning a home, and things like that. But there are still plenty of areas where I just can't seem to get it. Areas where irresponsibility, ineptitude, etc., are still running rampant. And it is really starting to bug me. Is it upbringing? (Mom and Dad, I love you!) I'm sure, and my folks would probably admit some of this, that upbringing has something to do with it. And as a parent, I can see how one's best intentions and efforts to simply guide, love, and teach your children can come back to bite at times. For example, I STINK when dealing with money. When I try to balance a checkbook, I just get confused. I may even think I am "doing well", but I'll put off accounting for a few receipts in my wallet, etc., and before you know it, they are forgotten, and as a result, never accounted for. I'm not that great at doing the "not fun stuff" a husband and house-leader need to do. Calling people to set them straight (like builders, etc.). Dealing with banks and credit cards. Getting things done without having to be asked, oh, like five times to do them. Actually, just doing some things without being asked at all! Even plain common sense just doesn't always come easy to me.
And it's really starting to bug me!!! But what might upbringing have to do with it? I mean, my dad, while having a similar personality and interests to me, seems to have generally had stuff together. But he was forced to really grow up quicker when his own dad died while my father was in college. He was in charge at an early age. My mom, while always having such great faith and positive outlook on things, did have to learn to "survive" a bit as a child do to some interesting family dynamics. So as a result, they seem to be able to do all the hard stuff. But why did I never seem to learn? Were they too nice to me? Was I protected too much? Where is the line of "letting/forcing your kid learn hard lessons for future growth" and "protecting them, doing things for them, so they can 'be kids'"? I worry often about discovering that line myself in parenting Jax. Will I be too nice, and he ends up not learning lessons he needs to? Will I be too harsh, and he resents me, thought I was too hard on him? I realize there is a middle ground, but I am increasingly discovering that I struggle in finding that place. I tend to be either-or (I either want to just let everything slide, or let nothing slide in an almost tyrant-rule), and I think it boils down to selfishness and laziness on my part. I just don't know if I've been willing to really put the amount of energy needed to seek that middle-ground place where I can still be "me" and be things like a strong, trustworthy leader of our home, or a parent that has kids knowing a) that they are loved beyond belief, b) are able to be kids and have fun but c) know I'm boss and d) grow (spiritually and "life-skills"-ish).
Now, I know some of this struggle is due to my natural temperament/personality, but it doesn't change my God-ordained responsibilities. To blame it all on personality (and thus do nothing about it) is a cop-out and excuse. I may never be a "10" in certain areas, but with God's help I can still improve. And for others, specifically my wife and son, seeing effort will certainly go a long way, even if not "perfect".
I also know that at the core of all this is selfishness. I just don't want to have to worry about so much of this. I want to be able to do what I want. I want... That's the problem. That's the real lesson here, for myself and others reading this. I would rather read Sports Illustrated than really listen to my wife's request, and as a result, I only "sort-of" hear her, and thus do a request wrong, or not in a timely manner, or even worse, not at all. Or sometimes Jax is trying to get my attention, and I may not answer fast. "But, I want to focus on my SI!" I want...
Maybe I just need a season (a good personal focus for Advent/Christmas?) where I drop everything (maybe even writing this!) and serve. To truly look at what goals need to be accomplished for the family on a given day.
I have seen improvement in areas (notably ministry-related stuff), so I know it can happen in my most important job: husband and father. And I know that while my personality can lend to struggles in many areas, it also has many positives. I truly give a rip about people, and I've been told that others really see and appreciate it. I
am one who tends to be positive, fun, etc., and that is sorely lacking in many. Maybe most important of all (and I can see it in this post even), I am willing to look inside and ask the hard questions, and thus, I tend to lovingly challenge others to do the same. It is hard (as this post has been at times for me), but if we are to truly release ourselves to the Lord and surrender all, it must be done. It MUST be done...
Finally, I know that there is a place for those like me, just as there is an equal place for those who are more "together" in certain areas. See 1 Corinthians 12 (
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Corinthians%2012;&version=31;). The challenge will be for me to find my place, work on my weaknesses, seek help in those areas where needed, and maybe toughest of all, to truly accept as valid others with polar-opposite gifts, personality types, etc. We all have a part. But, we all need to be willing to not use our "type" as an excuse to not make efforts to improve in areas that may be difficult for us...
Father God, please help me to yield to you. REALLY yield, not just lip-service. Help me see where improvement is needed, and help me to completely rely on YOUR STRENGTH in areas where I don't think I can do it! Amen...
