God's Timing

God’s timing is not mine. Never has been. Oh sure, I have brief periods where I can honestly remove myself and be content with, “Whatever, whenever, God”. But not usually. I am a fairly patient person by nature, so I’ve got that going for me, but still anxiety and even bitterness (and-gasp! Impatience!) can creep in from time-to-time. Not a great thing…

Right now is one of those times. On any given day recently, I can wonder/worry about:

***God, can’t you just give The Wife the job she wants so we can quit wondering if we will survive past the summer?
***If she doesn’t get a job, what on earth are we going to do? Are we going to have to pack up and leave? Where will we go?
***When will our son get done with the “terrible two’s”? Oh God, please don’t have him to be one of those wild, hyper kids that drive me (and others) bonkers…
***God, do you realize how inconvenient it is to have to deal with some of the family health issues in The Wife’s world right now (both hers and her terminally ill grandmother)? I have too much going on, and I will have to likely drop some of them in order to provide support, etc. And while I will run to her side and be there when needed, I will feel guilty that I am “dropping the ball” in other areas (confirmation, Sunday School, mission trip prep, etc.). And then I feel guilty that I feel guilty about missing work…like my perspective is all messed up…
***What about The Wife’s grandmother’s soul? What if she does not know you? What if she is too sick now to “hear” the message? What if we blew it and are too late?
***God, when will “the future” for our family be clearer? What do you want us to do? Where do you want us to go? When?

Even typing that list right now made me cringe. “How selfish,” I thought during the whole thing. And in some cases, it is selfish. In others, it shows how I often struggle with Jesus’ encouragement to, “Not worry” about things like this. And I even see some areas where it is ok to ponder, but to not let the pondering/listening become worry, which it easily becomes at times.

But as I look back at the list, I am able to answer many of the questions, and I fully acknowledge that God’s Spirit is the one giving me these answers (as I simply type freely)…

“Yes, I can give her a job, and I will. Just wait…”
“Don’t worry. I will provide. Have faith. If you have to leave, so be it…but it will be what I want, so be glad!”
“Haha, you make me smile! He won’t be two forever. And don’t worry about what his personality will be; I have equipped you (and will keep equipping) with all the tools to be the best parent you can be to your son, no matter what.”
“Yes, it is a hard time right now. I AM WITH YOU. Keep listening, keep looking…you will hear and see me in this storm. Don’t worry about the guilt you feel. Give it to me. Just do the best you can in the ministry at church until it is time to minister to your family, and the rest will be taken care of. I am already preparing others to come alongside and help you…”
“Remember that it is I who does the “saving”, not you. Pray, and if able, share my love with her. I have shown myself to her in various ways over time, and that is between she and I. Just love her, and if you do share with her, don’t worry: I will be proud of you for being faithful.”
“Just stay close to me, and let me take care of it. I will show you the way. It might be soon, it might be years off…but don’t focus on that. Just keep learning, growing, loving, serving, listening, and I will be with you. The light bulb WILL go off one day…”

Thanks God! Father, thank you for speaking to me this morning…more accurately, thank you for unplugging my ears and heart so I could be allowed to experience your words and encouragement, and thus feel the peace you give so freely. I pray that I will be a man who is not afraid to hear (and heed) your voice…