I often, when speaking with others about things like God's grace, love, etc., like to inform people that God does not use those charts on us like elementary teachers do. I'm actually not sure they still do, but when I was a young kiddo in the 80s, I know that many teachers had "star charts", where one could get a star (or even a "level" of star...like red is ok, gold is great, etc.) based on how much good vs. bad behavior existed in you that day at school. Well, despite some of the good uses of charts like this as tools for us, I think we've messed up and started using them (in our own evaluation of life with God) as a means to an end...and scripture clearly tells us that while there may be behavior/attitude lists throughout scripture for us to pay great attention to, those aren't the means to a goal...
Ephesians 2:8For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God...
That's one of the "biggie" verses used to help us realize that our salvation has nothing to do with us gritting our teeth and trying to be good, following a list, and thus getting enough "gold stars vs. no stars", ending up on the "plus" side, and earning our way to Heaven. Nope. All God. All grace. All faith...which is tough for us because we want something tangible, measurable...but God just isn't that way. This actually comforts me...but I know many struggle with it.
So, why am I deciding to actually write on this issue?
Well, the other day while on a "girls" weekend with her mom, my wife Missy bought a pretty cool "responsibilities chart" for us to use alongside Jackson, our 4 1/2 year-old. Essentially, it has magnets with various home chores, jobs, and even attitudes we can place on the board, and for each day Jax completes them, he gets to put a smiley face magnet.
But after pondering some deeper issues regarding this new chart, I realized something: If we are not very careful and proactive here, we could instill a life-focus that is not how God works in Jax...the gold star chart-view of God and us that I've been warning against.
So after some prayerful pondering (helped by the timely chapters I read this morning in an EXCELLENT book for parents, "Raising Adults" by Jim Hancock), I decided that we will need to be very proactive in teaching (and modeling...which will be harder) Jax that this new chart is a tool for him to see how he's been doing...but that if he doesn't get the smiley face, our love for him does not change. I do this because I firmly believe that the main priority for us as parents is to show (usually by modeling attitudes and actions) our son glimpses of God's love and character, and he needs to know that God does not use a chart like this when viewing him. Oh, I know some will say, "But what about the Ten Commandments and the rest of God's Law?" Well, I think that God does use those laws to show us our ineptitude without him more than say, "Well, Ben, you know, you ended life with a plus-minus rating of 5, doing 5 more good things than bad...so I guess you belong with me..." That is rough for us because the vast majority view God that way...and miss the point. We do not want Jax to miss the point.
So, as he sat in his corner of the sectional munching on cereal and watching some cartoon, I paused the TV and told him, "Hey Jax, you know that chart yesterday? The one where we picked 3 goals for you this week and you got one smiley yesterday? I want you to know something: While it is good for you to look at this chart and see what needs to be done, you must know that mom and dad love you the same whether you get 3 smileys or zero. It's good to do these things and use them as a checklist, but we love you no matter what." I said that because I think God looks at us that way when we release ourselves to him and trust in Jesus' redemption of our souls. He says, "You are mine...and while you may fail...I still love you. But remember these guidelines and challenges, as they are what's best, and I hope you choose to live them not out of some point system, but out of gratitude for how I've blessed you."
Oh, how I pray to live that way, model that, etc.! The lists of do's and do-not's are for a reason...and we do need to pay attention and pray for God to keep making us more like Christ (as he promises to do! Encouraging!). But, they should flow out of us from gratitude, not because we are trying to get a better score on the test...
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
...it's all about the parents...
A pastor friend of mine whose main focus is what his church calls "Next+Gen Ministry" (basically, 0-early twenties)emailed me recently to gather my thought on involving parents more in his ministry area. So, after a few days stewing it over, I wrote back. I felt it was of some worth to post it here and see what discussion it brings. I will comment after...
Ok, this may not be "everything" but I've been trying to put words to my ponderings on your question...so here goes and I may add later...and feel free to ask any questions, or even shift me in another direction if this wasn't really what you meant...
Well, I am more-and-more thinking that the folks most needing a "special ministry focus" are indeed parents...specifically, parents of youngins (like you and i). I certainly don't think it's too late for parents of older children or teens, but we may need to focus more on "tools" or "maintenance", or in some cases, simply survival, with that group.
But I think we have a very real chance to impact and encourage real leadership and family discipleship with new parents (say, with kids aged 0-5 or 6). I see a definite desire, at least among young parents who are believers, to truly be the primary spiritual guides for their families. Problem is, they generally did not see it modeled by those before them. So, despite the occasional big weekend retreat or seminar on parenting (which are still great...but more as "touchstones" like we would consider a youth retreat or something), there is no ongoing community of growth/wisdom/sharing. So, I propose that is one area that is needed...and ongoing "forum" or discussion opportunity...with some older parents who "get it" as guides. Maybe even offer some special life groups church-wide (would need to discuss this with your community/discipleship pastor). There is a hunger I see here...but sadly I think the window of opportunity slips for a real chance at effecting a family's "spiritual ethos" (to use a really trendy word...that does apply here) as these parents' kids get too far into elementary school...
Now as far as parents of older kids, as much as you or I would want to be able to get them to have the said "ethos" of what I mentioned above, reality is many folks are just crying for help at this point. So, maybe this is a more "giving them survival tools"-type thing. I mean, more than that, sure, because it isn't truly too late to have a changing effect, but it is tougher. One thing I see among roughly half to 2/3 of my parents are that they kinda "Wish" they had a family-discipleship focus earlier on, and desire it now, but have an attitude of "it's too late...right?" and so they just do bare minimum. And then the rest basically don't care...i suppose we shouldn't abandon them totally, but reality indicates most of them won't really pay attention.
So, not many specifics yet I suppose, mainly thoughts. But maybe you can work off them a bit.
Thoughts?
And later I sent this "addition":
Also, I think having actual parents involved (maybe even the majority?) as committed volunteers in your ministries is important. I used to not think that (aka, “the best volunteers are young, single, cool, etc.”), thinking that kids didn’t seem to want their parents around, so why bother? My attitudes are changing… In addition to various kids valuing from the wisdom of other kids’ parents (if not always their own…I do still try to separate kids from their own parents as much as possible, like as discussion group leaders, etc.), it helps the parents themselves get more used to discussing faith issues with kids, even if not their own. In fact, I often hear from the adults in our ministry that they get a lot personally from the messages, etc., themselves…and start applying it. I dunno, just a thought…I mean, certainly still keep your young single-types…but the more multi-generational, the better in my estimation volunteer-wise… Everyone just seems to benefit from each other (and isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be???).
I am also continuing to notice through one-on-one conversations with kids and group discussions that kids, while they don’t tend to “project” it or admit it to parents, truly do want a closer relationship with them, even in a “guidance” role. I know research indicates this, but it is hard to really “see”. But I can attest to this. I had one kid (a fairly “core” kid) get into some trouble recently, and as we were talking one night about how his parents were reacting, he even said he wished they would just truly open up and talk with him more about the situation (as opposed to “punish, yet act like nothing happened when it comes to discussing the problem itself”), and even said he wishes his parents (as a whole) would talk more about God in their lives, etc. WOW. And I just thought of another example where a kid was struggling to not watch Skin-o-Max late at night on a game room TV…he even told me he wished his parents would just be stricter and put security passwords/controls on it…but he was afraid to mention it because then they’d know he had been watching porn. But both stories show me that kids truly WANT parents to, well, “be parents” and guides…
Problem is kids don’t do a great job expressing that, and as a result parents have no idea in many cases…so maybe we need to start young and encourage real change in the family’s focus…so they can set a standard and model it to future families better...
So, there it is. I really believe the primary influencers in life are parents, and the influence can go good or bad (or even middle...the meh-types...). While I have not run any scientific studies on this myself, I have various books/articles/conversations and over 10 years of hands-on ministry experience to back me up (especially the past few years where this issue has been more on my radar screen). I can attest that a child's parental involvement and attitudes are connected more than most parents realize (or will care to admit). My apathetic-toward-"life changing faith"-kids seem to have parents that likewise won't talk about God among their own family, etc. My more "wheels-off" kids (decision making, etc.) tend to have parents that are very wheels off in approach to faith or parenting. And my kids that seem to have a true core of a living faith have parents that seem to make faith a priority in their own decisions, modeling, and discussions...but not in a freaky, overbearing way. Just more "matter of fact" I suppose. Simply put, it is real to them, but not only in a "God will fix my crud"-kind of way (a valid possibility...but that seems to bread more of a "God is a vending machine for my problems and yes he is real but I don't know much else about him"-attitude...). It is more real in a flowing, God-is-always-present and knows what's up way; a "Jesus saved me and I am grateful and will model myself on him"-way.
What does this all mean? Well, I believe I've made past posts inferring that this ministry focus is increasingly on my heart and may one day become my main focus (instead of only teen-ministry), but even as a husband and dad currently, it has bearing. I must first make my own life one seeking to follow jesus above all else, and hopefully my wife and son see it. When I mess up, I fess up. I need to share nuggets of God's wisdom and purpose with them (obviously smaller more basic ones to Jax, he's not yet 4). And I must "put my money where my mouth is", so to speak. I need to expect the same things of our family that I expect and encourage of the families in the ministry I serve. Getting frustrated about parents encouraging kids to spend more time on sports/music/other than cultivating their relationship with God? Then I need to do the same... In fact, we have our first "sports dilemma" this Saturday: Jax's first Blastball game vs. Childrens' Musical Practice (the last one). Missy and I have decided to at least try and do "both", coming late to rehearsal...but we have even discussed. just choosing rehearsal, as "it's only blastball, and he has 9 more games...", as we really want to start modeling priorities NOW with him. If we just shrug it off and wait...before we know it he will be 11 and too late...
The hardest part of all this to me? It's parents actually realizing that maybe the biggest problem...is ourselves. I mean, think about it. Why don't parents impliment more security features on computers, TVs, etc.? Well, some may truly be ignorant that it is even an issue. Others may just "not want to really know" so they turn a blind eye. Others are simply WAY too trusting of their kiddoes. But others...well, they don't "take the tough steps" because, well, maybe they want the "freedom" to do unhealthy things themselves...feel like its' their right as adults or something. But parenting changed everything, and it does involve SACRIFICE. Want your kids to not waste their time on foolish things and focus on what's important? Maybe dad needs to not play golf so much and instead spend time with family... Want your kids to make following Christ a priority? Then mom needs to choose to go to a Bible study or something instead of another "mom's club" or whatever 3 times a week... Want your kid to not watch inappropriate programming or look at nasty stuff on the internet? Then have a "middle man" put codes on your TV and FOR GOD'S SAKE get that computer out of your kids' room...and put it in a common area with security that is not easily "igured out...
Are golf, mom's clubs, TV, or internet inherently bad? Of course not. But I think one way Christian parents drop the ball is by not sacrificing some (notice I didn't say "all" before some of you think I'm trying to say parents can't have fun, or hang with friends, or watch some R-rated movies EVER) of our own desires for the sake of modeling Godly priorities to our kiddoes...
Thoughts? I would LOVE them...
Ok, this may not be "everything" but I've been trying to put words to my ponderings on your question...so here goes and I may add later...and feel free to ask any questions, or even shift me in another direction if this wasn't really what you meant...
Well, I am more-and-more thinking that the folks most needing a "special ministry focus" are indeed parents...specifically, parents of youngins (like you and i). I certainly don't think it's too late for parents of older children or teens, but we may need to focus more on "tools" or "maintenance", or in some cases, simply survival, with that group.
But I think we have a very real chance to impact and encourage real leadership and family discipleship with new parents (say, with kids aged 0-5 or 6). I see a definite desire, at least among young parents who are believers, to truly be the primary spiritual guides for their families. Problem is, they generally did not see it modeled by those before them. So, despite the occasional big weekend retreat or seminar on parenting (which are still great...but more as "touchstones" like we would consider a youth retreat or something), there is no ongoing community of growth/wisdom/sharing. So, I propose that is one area that is needed...and ongoing "forum" or discussion opportunity...with some older parents who "get it" as guides. Maybe even offer some special life groups church-wide (would need to discuss this with your community/discipleship pastor). There is a hunger I see here...but sadly I think the window of opportunity slips for a real chance at effecting a family's "spiritual ethos" (to use a really trendy word...that does apply here) as these parents' kids get too far into elementary school...
Now as far as parents of older kids, as much as you or I would want to be able to get them to have the said "ethos" of what I mentioned above, reality is many folks are just crying for help at this point. So, maybe this is a more "giving them survival tools"-type thing. I mean, more than that, sure, because it isn't truly too late to have a changing effect, but it is tougher. One thing I see among roughly half to 2/3 of my parents are that they kinda "Wish" they had a family-discipleship focus earlier on, and desire it now, but have an attitude of "it's too late...right?" and so they just do bare minimum. And then the rest basically don't care...i suppose we shouldn't abandon them totally, but reality indicates most of them won't really pay attention.
So, not many specifics yet I suppose, mainly thoughts. But maybe you can work off them a bit.
Thoughts?
And later I sent this "addition":
Also, I think having actual parents involved (maybe even the majority?) as committed volunteers in your ministries is important. I used to not think that (aka, “the best volunteers are young, single, cool, etc.”), thinking that kids didn’t seem to want their parents around, so why bother? My attitudes are changing… In addition to various kids valuing from the wisdom of other kids’ parents (if not always their own…I do still try to separate kids from their own parents as much as possible, like as discussion group leaders, etc.), it helps the parents themselves get more used to discussing faith issues with kids, even if not their own. In fact, I often hear from the adults in our ministry that they get a lot personally from the messages, etc., themselves…and start applying it. I dunno, just a thought…I mean, certainly still keep your young single-types…but the more multi-generational, the better in my estimation volunteer-wise… Everyone just seems to benefit from each other (and isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be???).
I am also continuing to notice through one-on-one conversations with kids and group discussions that kids, while they don’t tend to “project” it or admit it to parents, truly do want a closer relationship with them, even in a “guidance” role. I know research indicates this, but it is hard to really “see”. But I can attest to this. I had one kid (a fairly “core” kid) get into some trouble recently, and as we were talking one night about how his parents were reacting, he even said he wished they would just truly open up and talk with him more about the situation (as opposed to “punish, yet act like nothing happened when it comes to discussing the problem itself”), and even said he wishes his parents (as a whole) would talk more about God in their lives, etc. WOW. And I just thought of another example where a kid was struggling to not watch Skin-o-Max late at night on a game room TV…he even told me he wished his parents would just be stricter and put security passwords/controls on it…but he was afraid to mention it because then they’d know he had been watching porn. But both stories show me that kids truly WANT parents to, well, “be parents” and guides…
Problem is kids don’t do a great job expressing that, and as a result parents have no idea in many cases…so maybe we need to start young and encourage real change in the family’s focus…so they can set a standard and model it to future families better...
So, there it is. I really believe the primary influencers in life are parents, and the influence can go good or bad (or even middle...the meh-types...). While I have not run any scientific studies on this myself, I have various books/articles/conversations and over 10 years of hands-on ministry experience to back me up (especially the past few years where this issue has been more on my radar screen). I can attest that a child's parental involvement and attitudes are connected more than most parents realize (or will care to admit). My apathetic-toward-"life changing faith"-kids seem to have parents that likewise won't talk about God among their own family, etc. My more "wheels-off" kids (decision making, etc.) tend to have parents that are very wheels off in approach to faith or parenting. And my kids that seem to have a true core of a living faith have parents that seem to make faith a priority in their own decisions, modeling, and discussions...but not in a freaky, overbearing way. Just more "matter of fact" I suppose. Simply put, it is real to them, but not only in a "God will fix my crud"-kind of way (a valid possibility...but that seems to bread more of a "God is a vending machine for my problems and yes he is real but I don't know much else about him"-attitude...). It is more real in a flowing, God-is-always-present and knows what's up way; a "Jesus saved me and I am grateful and will model myself on him"-way.
What does this all mean? Well, I believe I've made past posts inferring that this ministry focus is increasingly on my heart and may one day become my main focus (instead of only teen-ministry), but even as a husband and dad currently, it has bearing. I must first make my own life one seeking to follow jesus above all else, and hopefully my wife and son see it. When I mess up, I fess up. I need to share nuggets of God's wisdom and purpose with them (obviously smaller more basic ones to Jax, he's not yet 4). And I must "put my money where my mouth is", so to speak. I need to expect the same things of our family that I expect and encourage of the families in the ministry I serve. Getting frustrated about parents encouraging kids to spend more time on sports/music/other than cultivating their relationship with God? Then I need to do the same... In fact, we have our first "sports dilemma" this Saturday: Jax's first Blastball game vs. Childrens' Musical Practice (the last one). Missy and I have decided to at least try and do "both", coming late to rehearsal...but we have even discussed. just choosing rehearsal, as "it's only blastball, and he has 9 more games...", as we really want to start modeling priorities NOW with him. If we just shrug it off and wait...before we know it he will be 11 and too late...
The hardest part of all this to me? It's parents actually realizing that maybe the biggest problem...is ourselves. I mean, think about it. Why don't parents impliment more security features on computers, TVs, etc.? Well, some may truly be ignorant that it is even an issue. Others may just "not want to really know" so they turn a blind eye. Others are simply WAY too trusting of their kiddoes. But others...well, they don't "take the tough steps" because, well, maybe they want the "freedom" to do unhealthy things themselves...feel like its' their right as adults or something. But parenting changed everything, and it does involve SACRIFICE. Want your kids to not waste their time on foolish things and focus on what's important? Maybe dad needs to not play golf so much and instead spend time with family... Want your kids to make following Christ a priority? Then mom needs to choose to go to a Bible study or something instead of another "mom's club" or whatever 3 times a week... Want your kid to not watch inappropriate programming or look at nasty stuff on the internet? Then have a "middle man" put codes on your TV and FOR GOD'S SAKE get that computer out of your kids' room...and put it in a common area with security that is not easily "igured out...
Are golf, mom's clubs, TV, or internet inherently bad? Of course not. But I think one way Christian parents drop the ball is by not sacrificing some (notice I didn't say "all" before some of you think I'm trying to say parents can't have fun, or hang with friends, or watch some R-rated movies EVER) of our own desires for the sake of modeling Godly priorities to our kiddoes...
Thoughts? I would LOVE them...
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Generation Hope Seminar Report
This saturday we hosted Mark Matlock of WisdomWorks Ministries (www.wisdomworks.com) for the Generation Hope parent seminar. It was such a valuable thing. There were plenty of parents from our church who missed out, but still a decent group was present.
In a nutshell, Mark challenged parents to honestly look at themselves to see if their attitudes and "parenting style" are either fostering or hindering the spiritual growth of our kids. He offered many practical tips, ideas, and I'm sure that several of us there (I know Missy and I will, at least) certainly left feeling renewed to answer God's call to be the primary spiritual example and guides for our kids.
I highly recommend looking into attending a Generation Hope seminar near you!
In a nutshell, Mark challenged parents to honestly look at themselves to see if their attitudes and "parenting style" are either fostering or hindering the spiritual growth of our kids. He offered many practical tips, ideas, and I'm sure that several of us there (I know Missy and I will, at least) certainly left feeling renewed to answer God's call to be the primary spiritual example and guides for our kids.
I highly recommend looking into attending a Generation Hope seminar near you!
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